It can be a sensitive one as a lot of it is dealing with the wounds of trauma many times and it’s hard to let go of things that help you cope. But throwing other mentally ill people under the bus is not ok and that’s why I think it needs to be talked about.

One of the bigger things I come across is the idea of “narcissistic abuse” and I’d like to go over why that isn’t a thing and how it contributes to harmful stigma. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s the idea that people with NPD (or alternatively more common, someone that’s being armchair diagnosed with NPD) is said to abuse in a certain way that makes it more distinct, more harmful. There’s a lot of things wrong with this.

Let’s start:

And why must that diagnosis be pointed out? Is every person’s MI made a facet of the abuse? Why is there no “depressive abuse” or “anxious abuse”?

See, that’s an absolutely misunderstanding of what NPD is. Nowhere in the DSM-5 is the criteria for having NPD “abusive” or “manipulative”, two of the many things that people attribute to those with NPD.

That’s gaslighting and is common in almost all abusers, no matter their mental health.

Again, common in all abusers, no matter their mental health.

See above.

The thing is, when people search for a word to quantify their abuse, they’re missing a word that’s already there WITHOUT throwing fellow mentally ill people under the bus: emotional abuse. It deals with gaslighting, controlling behaviors, making you feel lesser than you really are and breaking down your self-esteem. It’s abuse, you’re not wrong, but how you attribute it is dangerous and scapegoats the abuser’s behaviors onto a mental health problem that people already see as an actual threat to people, rather than dealing with the abuse itself. It’s saying, “oh those nasty narcs” instead of “that nasty abuser” and placing the blame where it really belongs.

This goes doubly when people are normally up in arms about not armchair diagnosing, but suddenly it becomes acceptable when the person is even slightly suspected to have NPD. Why?

Many times, “narcissistic abuse” comes into play between children and parents. People seek out threads on reddit like /r/raisedbyanarcissist as a way to understand what happened to them. Sense of community is alluring, especially when many of us have been isolated by our abusers or just coping with the abuse. I understand that, I went through the exact same process. But for previous reasons stated, this hurts others as well. This leads to abuse against people NPD because we’re seen as heartless monsters for things that don’t even make our diagnosis.

If you really, really insist on making the distinction between whatever you had to suffer through and emotional abuse (especially in a parent/child dynamic) please consider using “Codependent Parenting”. It displays the often emotionally abusive circumstances between parents and children without targeting other mentally ill folx. Here’s an article on it:

https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/8-Signs-You-May-Have-a-Codependent-Parent


Much of this fearmongering comes directly from a total misunderstanding of what NPD is at its core. If you want to read about it via a medical journal with a slightly more objective view (there is still some stigmatizing things towards the end, but better than most):

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/narcissistic.html

Another thing I want to address is the common argument that “narcissistic abuse” isn’t actually stigmatizing because narcissism can be a personality trait and not a mental illness. The thing is, while that is true to a (very) minor extent, whenever you look up anything to do with narcissism even when not including the personality disorder part, it’s still going to link you back to NPD. People will say “intent < impact” until they’re blue in the face until it comes to this. While you may mean it in a non-stigmatizing way, it’s still going to continue the scare factor and what people associate with NPD. There are many other words that fit that personality trait you’re looking for: egoist, self-absorbed/centered, vain, conceited, etc.

I’m also going to take the time to address the concept of empathy, because our lack of empathy or at least lower than normal empathy is what causes people to fear us. One of things I remember being told was that because of my lack of empathy, I “could never understand that stabbing someone hurt them”.

1) This is dangerous assumption and

2) entirely misunderstands what empathy is in the first place.

Usually people understand empathy as just a general caring for someone. This is very wrong and another aspect of the stigma. People with NPD can care for people and some cannot. It is different for everyone. Some distinctions should be made about the differing types of empathy as well.
There is affective and cognitive empathy. Affective empathy deals with that almost unconscious feeling of emotion when you understand someone. For example, the need to cry when someone else is upset. Cognitive empathy is less passive and is an active attempt to recognize what someone is going through. For me, I have a hard time with affective empathy, but have had to learn cognitive empathy. This is pretty common with NPD folx, as cognitive is more so actively placing ourselves in another shoes and when looked at from this point of view can make far more sense, especially for us.

This is getting long, but I’ve also seen that belief that people with NPD just pop out as abusive monsters. The reality is, it’s theorized it’s developed just like every other personality disorder: through harmful patterns in childhood. We’re always painted as the abusers and never the victims. Our methods of coping and surviving are frowned upon and we’re not allowed to grieve. While this is common of every abuse survivor, it’s especially painful when being thrown out of community that was supposed to help because your trauma manifested in the “wrong” way.
I’m sure I’ve missed a lot, but please don’t be afraid to reach out if you have questions. Education on this took me awhile and coming to terms with my own mental health was difficult because of it.

Here are some terms that can be used to describe the particular way you were abused without doing more damage to a stigmatized group:


gaslighting
DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender)
denial of instance (what happened)
denial of impact
minimising
dismissive
weaponising hurt feelings
blaming
jealousy
weaponising support
emotional invalidation
coercion
manipulation
back-handed compliments
false image projection
hot and cold
circular arguments
violating boundaries
violating privacy
intruding on personal space
possessiveness
extreme rigidity
controlling (where you go, what you wear, who you’re friends with, who you talk to, etc)
forced to give passwords to accounts
constant check-ins
removal of support systems
retaliation
unrealistic pressures
created / forced dependency
love bombing
silent treatment
withholding affection
neglect
weaponising affection
forced isolation
entitlement
superiority
double standards
making a scene
public blow-ups
projection
obsessing / obsessive
good child / bad child dynamic
financial control / manipulation
stalking
blackmail
refusal to discuss conflicts
self-centered
self-serving
lacks compassion
physical intimidation / performing threat against objects
spanking / hitting
acting cold / freezing out
unequal comparisons
tone policing / enforcing superficial politeness
evading conflict
veiled criticism
deception
cajoling
guilt tripping