~! Mortalz Blog ~! !!
(from home movies)
12/8/19 o hai again. stepped away from the site for a minute. holidays with the family a week or two ago. been working. just started playing guitar again which i'd also put down for a few months. gotta keep up with them hobbies ! thinking about Who I Am And Who I Want To Be. torn between thinking that i'm wasting my time or that i'm doing well enough and being happy to get to do what ever i want most of the time (as long as it's, uh, free, or part of my limited budget.)
11/6/19 Need a void to shout into where no one can find me. Goddammit i tried but it keeps coming back. i don't want to have to need Medication and Therapy and things don't feel different when im off them. until they do. god dammit.
10/18/19 bad day
10/9/19 Had a panic attack today because of my financial situation *upside down smiley face* I'm not doing ok right now and neither is my partner. Got charged $35 for the second month in a row because of an autopay error. Frustrated. Sad. Lonely. Helpless. BLAH.
watched evil dead 2 today.
i've noticed there are certain thoughts that my brain comes back around to a lot, things to be anxious about. entire scenarios that will play out in my head while i'm at work or while i'm alone. need to figure out how to divert from these things cuz they aren't altogether pleasant.
10/2/19 worked the last 4 days but have today off. watched evil dead tonight with newman.
9/26/19 Still thinking about my time with my family last weekend. My mom picked me up from my apartment after she got off her plane and we drove back to my sibling's place. I got to spend a lot of the weekend playing with my nibling which was silly and fun. They've gotten really good at hide and seek. We played with dolls, their kitchen set, and blocks. We played tag and watched someone play Sonic Forces before we made up a version to play in real life. I watched the new Annie movie with my mom and nibling. I got to spend the night at my best friend's house and he showed me the TV show Euphoria and the Youtube channel Bon Appetit. I had breakfast with my mom, sibling, nibling, and grandparents, where we talked about my grandpa's recovery from heart surgery. My grammy made a care package for me and my boyfriend. We've almost finished the brownies she made for us. I spent a little time with my sibling when they came home late from work. I miss them all a lot and can't wait to go back as soon as I can.
9/23/19 Spent the weekend with my family, which was much needed. My nibling is amazing. I love my mom and sibling so much. My sib's business just opened over the weekend and I had a lot of fun going to the opening with old friends.
9/17/19 This is my housing. i'm willing to put up with more than this to keep it. I'm not renting it from them, they're just stealing money from me. So what if they steal a little more. "i've given up so much because people were shitty to me." "You're right. I'm sorry." But doesn't explain. So who knows?
9/13/19 it was my birthday! i went to work. for the first time in years i made my birthday public on facebook and got people saying happy birthday to me which was nice! i also got a sweet call from my sibling and nibling, and one from my dad and his wife.
9/11/19 i was born in the year of the dog and i am certainly loyal. arf! arf!
9/6/19 oh wow it's been longer than I thought- well tonight we went to see one of our favorite bands Titus Andronicus <3 - Patrick Stickles struck up a conversation with us after the show, gave Newman a hug & complimented him on knowing all the words and bringing the moves >w<"
8/31/19 some anxiety today and a lot of working on my farm in stardew vallew ~ I got an automation mod That as my bf puts it allows me to turn stardew valley into factorio, lol ~
8/30/19 today I modded a game for the first time, stardew valley, inspired by rxqueen on here. then i downloaded emulators for nes, GBA, and DS and a bunch of roms so that I can play fun and nostalgic videogames ^_^ i also hooked up my ps4 controller to windows, which improves the Gaming Experience owo
with bpd you have to work to have a life that's worth living for. my life isn't bad and i need to remember that.
someone has told me the beginning of a secret but won't permit me to know the rest of it.
I get to spend most of my days watching TV and playing on my computer, or cooking. i would like to go out more, but money is an obstacle. still, i feel i may have wasted my summer indoors. i want to do Fall Activities this year even if it's just going for a drive while the trees are in their autumn phase.
i feel like my coding is very. cobbled together. as needed. there's something about that that speaks to my aesthetictm.
i'm listening to hamilton still. i've gotten through about 15 tracks so far. my sib listened to BLoody Bloody Andrew Jackson! which is my personal favorite musical about american history.
i've decided to stop taking hormone injections. they're not right for me - i found it too hard to stay consistent with them, and i didn't feel sure about the whole process anyway. i talked with my therapist and decided that since i'm uncomfortable with it i should put it on hold. navigating this stuff is hard because i'm genderfluid and not quite sure what i want for myself. if i ever want to start injections again i can and i'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe a less intense method, though it's unlikely at this time that i'll really be continuing since the other options are much more expensive. i just couldn't stay consistent with the injections, and found them unpleasant; and don't see the results being something that's going to make me happier than i already am. maybe hormonal transition isn't what i need. i feel like i'd be happier with a binder right now. not every trans person has to want to be on hormones, and i think i'm one who would rather not be, at least for now.
8/26/19 it was my nibling's birthday! i got to talk to my sib for a while today. *love feels* they want to see Hamilton .... i started listening to the music.
8/22/19 i have a few days off in a row. that means eating and relaxing a lot. i should work my other job but i'd rather do less productive things that make me happy ... y know ? i'm going to add an oc's page. right now!
8/20/19 it's weird getting back into hobbies after a long time of just not doing them. i've been drawing again, playing with html and css on here, and writing music again. there's an element of feeling scared and worried that i've lost my skill at these things. but it can be satisfying to create something.
8/17/19 worked a long shift today (i work as a cook at a bar.) it was super slow.
8/16/19 went to the lake yesterday ! saw a monarch butterfly and a cute dog named Elvis. swam in the shallow water. we finished up and showed our demo to a friend who gave some good advice and feedback.